What Happens When You Just Don't Pay Attention

Hey, guess what, everyone?

I STILL HAVE DIABETES!

And also - you have to pay attention.

Because when you don't pay attention, you go to take your medication one evening and realize the bottle is empty.

So then you go to get the new bottle from the cabinet and realize - wait.a.minute! - this bottle isn't my diabetes medication, it's another medication, one that the mail-order pharmacy has helpfully sent you automatically.

So then you begin to freak out a bit because you realize it's 11pm on a FRIDAY NIGHT and your doctor doesn't have Saturday office hours.

So then you begin to wonder - Should I just not medicate all weekend? Should I take one of my older meds that I'm no longer on, just for the weekend? Should I visit an urgent care clinic in the morning and get a temporary script?

So then you call the answering service of your doctor and feel like That Patient as you explain to the dude what is going on, and he gets a condescending tone with you as he explains that he'll actually CALL YOUR DOCTOR at EIGHT O'CLOCK ON A SATURDAY MORNING just so that you can get a damn refill.

All because I wasn't paying attention.

To my doctor and to doctors everywhere, I am sorry to be That Patient this weekend. I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. This is not a good excuse, but I realized tonight that I'm still new at this. Maybe being without my medication is no big deal for two-and-a-half days, but it feels like a big deal, so maybe that makes it a big deal. Or at least a not-very-small deal.

And so, just when I've settled into a rhythm with this damn disease, and feel like I'm actually perking along just fine, I realize that - nope! Not that easy! If I'm going to manage this right, I'm going to have to pay attention.

Damn.

Claiming the Middle Ground

The Middle Ground

So, a while back, I posted after I had started another medication and my blood sugar went plummeting. It's been weird - again with the damn numbers game! - for the first bit after I started that med, my evening numbers were great and my morning numbers were running high...not crazy high, but a bit high.

I persevered.

I guess my body has gotten used to things (again) because for about the past week, my numbers - both morning and night - have been great. Spot on. Right in range.

Part of me is like, "What the hell?"

Part of me is like, "Huh. OK. How great...I guess...?"

Part of me is like, "WOO HOO!"

I don't feel like I've changed that much and yet the numbers are very different. I feel much better, too - actually, the best I've felt since my diagnosis. So, that part, I'll take.

However, upon further reflection, I guess I have changed...

I've been on vacation for a few days. I was really, really, really afraid I would lose all self control and go on some kind of binge. But the cool thing is that the habits I have now are becoming more and more a part of me, and so I have more self control than I ever have before. The Great Blood Sugar Question is - for me, anyway - great motivation for NOT going on a binge. I just don't want to put myself through it, sugar-wise.

I went to a retirement party today, and there was the usual spread of sugar, sugar, more sugar on the tables (and some veggies and cheese). I would've loved a cookie, and oh, look, cake! And another cookie, and a brownie, and some lemonade. I avoided it all - just walked right past. Didn't taste one damn thing at that party, and really, it was fine.

It was fine because I've reached the Middle Ground - I've claimed the Middle Ground - the place between no control and too much control. I've come to the conclusion that, overall, the Middle Ground is better than cookies and cake and brownies. And I've claimed the Middle Ground of wanting to care for myself in this New Normal, of my numbers being in a good place, and of feeling the best I've felt in a while.

Holy low blood sugar, Batman!

So, I started another anti-diabetes pill today...

By the way - tangent here - it's "anti-diabetes" pill, not "anti-diabetic" pill. Let's just say the pill is working against the diabetes and not the diabetic! :-)

Anywho...

I say "another" pill because, like many diabetics, finding the right combination of medication is quite a challenge. You want lower blood sugar, but not plummeting-to-the-center-of-the-earth low. So, I've been taking one medication consistently for several weeks now and it's been doing an OK job. My new doctor added another one and because of general life craziness lately, I opted to wait to begin taking it.

SO GLAD I WAITED.

If I had started right away, my first morning to take this pill would've been a Sunday morning. I would've been up in the front of church, leading worship, or preaching, or handling a chalice of wine over the pretty white linen when my blood sugar decided to plummet.

SO GLAD I WAITED.

I started the new pill this morning. And - oh my fricking word - sure enough, even after eating breakfast and lunch, I started feeling strange. Then I started getting shaky. I checked my blood sugar, and - holy cow - below 100 for the first time in quite a while. (My verbal exclamation startled the dog.)

The trippy thing about diabetes for me has been this damn numbers game. For years, my doctors have told me that below 100 is where my sugar needs to be. For years, that number was creeping up, until it finally stopped creeping and started shooting, higher and higher. So now that the number is creeping lower (or plummeting, like today), it affects almost everything - my energy and focus most of all. My body has gotten so accustomed to operating at the higher numbers, that this lower number throws everything out of whack. And so begins the balancing act...once again.

So, what I've realized again today is that this isn't going to be easy. But I also realize again that it is manageable. It may not always feel great, but it is manageable, and I am, in fact, managing.