Just in case you think I'm perfect...

HA!

So, you know how yesterday, I walked by the table of cookies and cake and brownies, and didn't eat one? (I mean, truly, in days past, I might've eaten a piece of cake, a brownie, and some cookies. Like. Seriously.) And then I came home and blogged about it?

Well...I skirted the boundary of the Middle Ground this evening. I ate half a brownie and one little scoop of ice cream. I love brownies. And I love ice cream. And therein lies the problem...well, that, and the diabetes, of course.

These things - these goodies - are such comforting foods for me. They tasted so. damn. good. tonight. I savored them, which is actually a good thing, because how many times have I scarfed down four times the amount without even tasting it?

I realized tonight that my discomfort in eating this treat tonight was two-fold:

First, I have to give myself some grace - some room - some ability to skirt the edge of the Middle Ground from time to time. And giving myself that grace really frightens me, because what if I can't stop? What if all the self control I've developed comes crumbling down around me, and I slip into my old ways of eating? Fear. It's a real bitch.

Second, I realized tonight that I've been using some of these foods for comfort. Without them, these last couple of months, it's been like I've been naked - except I haven't really realized I felt naked without them, until now.

If you don't understand what I mean by this second point, then think about something that gives you great comfort - something you do or eat or drink or experience almost every day - some part of your routine. Then, imagine that Thing not being there anymore. Imagine moving through your work day, your home life, your time with friends, etc. etc. without whatever It may be...and then you'll get the naked feeling. It's hard to have these blankets ripped away.

I said in an earlier post that I used to settle down in the evening by eating a big bowl of ice cream. While half a brownie and a small scoop of ice cream is not the same thing, it still felt indulgent. It felt comforting. It felt like a return to the Old Me...which, ironically enough, felt discomforting.

The other piece of this is a piece of good news: I checked my sugar before diving in to the brownie and ice cream. I made a deal with myself that whether or not I ate any dessert would depend totally on what the number was. If it was low enough, I'd have a little. It was, so I did.

But, just in case you think I'm perfect - OHMYGOSH I AM NOT. I'm still struggling through all this - and part of the struggle for me lies where it has for so long been - in my head, in my heart, getting myself sorted out inwardly so I'm not beating myself up or letting myself slide.

Like I said yesterday, it's claiming the Middle Ground.

Claiming the Middle Ground

The Middle Ground

So, a while back, I posted after I had started another medication and my blood sugar went plummeting. It's been weird - again with the damn numbers game! - for the first bit after I started that med, my evening numbers were great and my morning numbers were running high...not crazy high, but a bit high.

I persevered.

I guess my body has gotten used to things (again) because for about the past week, my numbers - both morning and night - have been great. Spot on. Right in range.

Part of me is like, "What the hell?"

Part of me is like, "Huh. OK. How great...I guess...?"

Part of me is like, "WOO HOO!"

I don't feel like I've changed that much and yet the numbers are very different. I feel much better, too - actually, the best I've felt since my diagnosis. So, that part, I'll take.

However, upon further reflection, I guess I have changed...

I've been on vacation for a few days. I was really, really, really afraid I would lose all self control and go on some kind of binge. But the cool thing is that the habits I have now are becoming more and more a part of me, and so I have more self control than I ever have before. The Great Blood Sugar Question is - for me, anyway - great motivation for NOT going on a binge. I just don't want to put myself through it, sugar-wise.

I went to a retirement party today, and there was the usual spread of sugar, sugar, more sugar on the tables (and some veggies and cheese). I would've loved a cookie, and oh, look, cake! And another cookie, and a brownie, and some lemonade. I avoided it all - just walked right past. Didn't taste one damn thing at that party, and really, it was fine.

It was fine because I've reached the Middle Ground - I've claimed the Middle Ground - the place between no control and too much control. I've come to the conclusion that, overall, the Middle Ground is better than cookies and cake and brownies. And I've claimed the Middle Ground of wanting to care for myself in this New Normal, of my numbers being in a good place, and of feeling the best I've felt in a while.