What Happens When You Just Don't Pay Attention

Hey, guess what, everyone?

I STILL HAVE DIABETES!

And also - you have to pay attention.

Because when you don't pay attention, you go to take your medication one evening and realize the bottle is empty.

So then you go to get the new bottle from the cabinet and realize - wait.a.minute! - this bottle isn't my diabetes medication, it's another medication, one that the mail-order pharmacy has helpfully sent you automatically.

So then you begin to freak out a bit because you realize it's 11pm on a FRIDAY NIGHT and your doctor doesn't have Saturday office hours.

So then you begin to wonder - Should I just not medicate all weekend? Should I take one of my older meds that I'm no longer on, just for the weekend? Should I visit an urgent care clinic in the morning and get a temporary script?

So then you call the answering service of your doctor and feel like That Patient as you explain to the dude what is going on, and he gets a condescending tone with you as he explains that he'll actually CALL YOUR DOCTOR at EIGHT O'CLOCK ON A SATURDAY MORNING just so that you can get a damn refill.

All because I wasn't paying attention.

To my doctor and to doctors everywhere, I am sorry to be That Patient this weekend. I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. This is not a good excuse, but I realized tonight that I'm still new at this. Maybe being without my medication is no big deal for two-and-a-half days, but it feels like a big deal, so maybe that makes it a big deal. Or at least a not-very-small deal.

And so, just when I've settled into a rhythm with this damn disease, and feel like I'm actually perking along just fine, I realize that - nope! Not that easy! If I'm going to manage this right, I'm going to have to pay attention.

Damn.

In which I finally order a bracelet...

I really thought I wasn't going to order one of these medical alert bracelets. They have really nice ones now - in a huge variety of styles and price points - so my fashion sense wasn't really the issue. I think it was more wanting to avoid such a clear-cut identifier - "HELLO, I HAVE DIABETES!"

And then something happened the other day that changed my mind.

I've already written about the heat we're now facing here in North Texas. So, the other day, we had plans with friends in the evening, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get in my evening walk. I opted for a late morning walk, thinking I'd get it in before the real heat of the day set in. Concerned about hydration, I drank extra water beforehand, and took water along with me. And, off I went, going on a new route to see a new park they're building nearby, knowing it would offer at least some shade.

The new park's entrance is almost exactly a mile away. I made it over there in a good pace, paused to snap a photo, and then turned right around to head home. I made it home in a good pace, too, and I really felt fine the entire time I was walking. Given that it was already so blessed hot and humid, I actually was surprised how good I was feeling.

I came home, stretched, drank more water, took my shower, and then...it happened. What I've been fearing, happened. I could feel my blood sugar level dropping, slipping away, like sand running through my fingers. It was dramatic. Pretty quickly, I was shaking like crazy - to the point where checking my glucose was difficult (huh...THAT'S a problem!). Sure enough, it had fallen into the "danger zone" - so out I went to the fridge to find some juice to chug. 

I sat on the couch, drinking my juice, feeling pretty crappy. I could feel a slight disorientation setting in - I knew where I was, and I knew my name, etc., but it was sort of like everything else I know was out of reach, somehow. 

Hubby came out to the living room, and here's the thing - to him, I was sitting on the couch, drinking juice. He had NO IDEA that I was struggling until I told him. We pretty quickly determined that it was lunch time, and he pretty quickly went to get us some sandwiches from the corner deli. And I sat and drank my juice.

I began to feel better, and even a bit more after I had a meal in me, but it still took a good couple of hours to feel as though my thoughts were back within reach. And even then, I still felt weak - like the wind had been knocked completely out of my sails. I stayed quiet that afternoon and did some reading I needed to do, and by the evening I felt much better.

But I have to say, this frightened me pretty well. Until then, my diabetes hasn't seemed particularly threatening. It's been a hassle and sometimes, a downright pain in the ass. It's completely affected how I view food and beverages, and what I choose to eat and drink. It's expensive, too - the supplies and meds really add up. But I haven't ever felt threatened, until the other day.

I began thinking, "Suppose this had happened on my walk and I wasn't able to use my phone?" I harkened back to the diabetes education nurse telling me I should order a medical alert bracelet. And so I found one I liked (similar to the one above), and ordered it that very day. (Side note: I started that process while I was still struggling to right myself, and could hardly even make the internet GO, let alone pick out a damn bracelet, if that is any indication to my state of mind!) 

I guess it comes down to claiming this new part of myself in yet another way - a way that can maybe save me in the future. I really hope it doesn't come to that, ever. But here is another way that I can take control of things and do something good for myself so that in an emergency, someone can easily tell that "HELLO, I HAVE DIABETES!"

Claiming the Middle Ground

The Middle Ground

So, a while back, I posted after I had started another medication and my blood sugar went plummeting. It's been weird - again with the damn numbers game! - for the first bit after I started that med, my evening numbers were great and my morning numbers were running high...not crazy high, but a bit high.

I persevered.

I guess my body has gotten used to things (again) because for about the past week, my numbers - both morning and night - have been great. Spot on. Right in range.

Part of me is like, "What the hell?"

Part of me is like, "Huh. OK. How great...I guess...?"

Part of me is like, "WOO HOO!"

I don't feel like I've changed that much and yet the numbers are very different. I feel much better, too - actually, the best I've felt since my diagnosis. So, that part, I'll take.

However, upon further reflection, I guess I have changed...

I've been on vacation for a few days. I was really, really, really afraid I would lose all self control and go on some kind of binge. But the cool thing is that the habits I have now are becoming more and more a part of me, and so I have more self control than I ever have before. The Great Blood Sugar Question is - for me, anyway - great motivation for NOT going on a binge. I just don't want to put myself through it, sugar-wise.

I went to a retirement party today, and there was the usual spread of sugar, sugar, more sugar on the tables (and some veggies and cheese). I would've loved a cookie, and oh, look, cake! And another cookie, and a brownie, and some lemonade. I avoided it all - just walked right past. Didn't taste one damn thing at that party, and really, it was fine.

It was fine because I've reached the Middle Ground - I've claimed the Middle Ground - the place between no control and too much control. I've come to the conclusion that, overall, the Middle Ground is better than cookies and cake and brownies. And I've claimed the Middle Ground of wanting to care for myself in this New Normal, of my numbers being in a good place, and of feeling the best I've felt in a while.

Tiny. Colorful. Quietly present.

The eggs on May 5th...

These photos have nothing whatsoever to do with diabetes. I could make them fit somehow if I tried, but - let's face it - I've got a Pentecost sermon percolating for Sunday, so let's just be content with the following, shall we...?

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a finch hanging out more at one of our hanging plants on our back porch. I've seen this before, and, sure enough, I found this beautiful nest nestled in one of the dianthus plants. Mama Finch has been so very attentive. The eggs were beautiful. Tiny. Colorful. Quietly present.

I've been carefully checking on their status ever since, all while Mama Finch sat on a nearby fence and fretted. 

Today, I went out quickly to check and was startled to find:

Finches hatching on May 16th!

I say I was startled, but mostly I was overwhelmed with the joy of such a sight. As beautiful as those eggs were, these little fuzzy creatures are more beautiful (in a fuzzy, scrawny creature kind of way). Soon, there will be great twittering and squeaking. Soon, there will be feedings and lots of fluttering about. Soon, there will be another empty nest in our nearly-dead hanging plant (we have another empty nest in a nearby plant). 

And, to me, it's all just...

Incredible.

Ups and Downs

Oh, it is so very difficult to be patient with ups and downs. It doesn't matter what the ups and downs are referring to - money, blood sugar numbers, energy levels, motivation levels - it's the ups and downs that get me.

The thing is, I'm not so sure that we're created to be at the same level for very long. What I mean is, it seems like most of human history has been a series of ups and downs - and so, even though I've only been diagnosed a diabetic for less than two months - the concept of ups and downs really is a quite familiar one to me. I've lived it!

I guess like with anything else, it's what we do with ups and downs that make us who we are.

Today has been a strangely emotional day for me for different reasons. I'm at a conference, and we have some down time right now before dinner tonight. These conferences can be killers for introverts like me. I get to a point where it's a constant battle of wanting to see and be with my friends and not wanting to see another person - PERIOD. (Like, seriously - get the hell away!)

So, during our down time today, I headed back to the hotel. How I wanted - in my emotional place - some kind of sweet munchy thing! Give me some damn M&Ms - an old favorite pig-out food of mine.

I came up to my room and remembered I had brought some pre-portioned crispy-chocolate things with me but before I even got into those, I checked my BG level, just to be sure. With a good level, I ate the crispy-chocolate things and enjoyed them, and somehow doing the whole process (rather than submitting to my down feelings) settled my heart tremendously.

It is so very hard to be patient with ups and downs. But I really believe patience is worth it in the end.