17 Things I've Learned in 17 Months

Hello.

I'm back.

It's been about 17 months since I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, and so, to get back into the swing of things, here are 17 things I've learned in those 17 months:

1. I can manage the disease. It's not always easy or fun or what I want to do, but I can manage this disease. It takes discipline. It takes medication. It takes mindfulness.

2. I'm a diabetic every day. Yes, every single day. On your birthday. On my birthday. On holidays and at funeral receptions. At church potlucks and Bible studies. When I make good choices and less-than-good choices. I'm a diabetic every day.

3. And that means I don't get a free pass some days. I've been on diet plans where I could "save up" my calories for later in the day, like for a big birthday dinner or a party. But diabetes doesn't quite work that way. If I try to do that now, I'm in real danger of my blood sugar being way too low, and then, when I splurge, way too high.

4. But sometimes I can splurge...a little. I'm still learning what a little splurge looks like, as opposed to the huge blow-out splurges I used to do. I'm still learning to limit the splurging, but one thing I've noticed is that I appreciate the little splurges much more than ever before in my life.

5. Diabetes comes with lots of baggage. LOTS. I've written about this baggage before, and that it often comes packaged in seemingly helpful tidbits of advice from others. They mean well (VOMIT). However, what they don't realize with one little comment is that it often is triggering in me some sort of response that goes way, way, back - before diabetes. It often goes back to childhood or teen years.

6. And years of shame are hard to let go of. Years of shame inform many of my decisions, even now. They whisper in my ear, they hide around corners, they sneak into my celebrations and leave a pile of shit for me to step in. And then, they laugh at me.

7. But the years of shame aren't all there is. I can honestly say I'm learning this, too, and it's so liberating. The years of shame have more to do with the past than with the present or the future. As I'm learning to take better care of myself, I'm learning to focus more on the present and the future, and leave those years of shame where they belong.

8. I can run. I still feel like a whale in stretchy pants when I run, but I can run.

9. I MUST walk. No ifs, ands, or big butts about it. This has become a non-negotiable, even though lately, I've tried to let it be negotiable. Walking is great for my blood sugar - but it's also great for stress relief (also good for blood sugar) and (of course) weight control.

10. I love to walk. I got back at it tonight. I've been on the road a lot this summer, and we've had visitors here and there. My schedule has been absolutely wack-a-doodle and my evening walks have paid the price. And so has my blood sugar.

11. It's easy to backslide. I had a scare on the last day of our vacation in July. I had way overdone it on eating while we were traveling, and I hadn't balanced it with enough exercise (although I was getting some). On the day we were supposed to fly out, my blood sugar was so high, I literally felt sick. I spent the day feeling miserable - more miserable than I've felt in a long time.

12. Backsliding is scary. I was scared that I'd slid too far - that somehow, I was beyond reach of what my meds and diet and exercise could do. (That was the years of shame speaking, BTW.) I was scared because of how miserable I felt because of how high my blood sugar was. Mostly, though, I was scared because I'd let myself get there. Again.

13. Mindfulness is the key. See #2, above. I have to be mindful every day now. It is exhausting sometimes, and it really pisses me off sometimes. But each day of mindfulness helps propel me into a healthier future for myself.

14. I'm healthier now than I have been in a long, long time. There is SUCH an irony to that, isn't there? I have diabetes, but I'm healthier.

15. I'm more assertive, too. If I'm in a restaurant and something comes with three sides that are all carb-loaded, I tell them to leave one or two off the plate. If someone is pushing me to eat or drink something and my carb-o-meter is flashing red lights in my head, I decline politely (sometimes explaining why). (Yes, fruit is healthy. It's also full of carbs, and maybe my sugar is running high.)

16. Asking questions almost always pays off. If I'm at my doctor and I don't understand something, I ask. If I'm at a restaurant and I need to know what's in something, I ask. I check food labels to answer the how-many-carbs question that's always rattling around in my head. Where diabetes is concerned, information is power, so ask questions and get answers for yourself.

17. I'm not alone. I have so much support - from other diabetics and those who know nothing about diabetes. From family, friends, parishioners. From people I know on the internet (HI!). The best thing I can do, it seems to me, is to offer my support to others who are dealing with diabetes and trying to do the best they can.

That's a lot to learn. And I'm still learning...and that is OK with me.