Words with God

Storm clouds rolling in.

Earlier this evening, I was sitting in my office at church. My preparations for our evening worship service were complete and so I sat, casting about for the next task.

A storm was rolling in, the thunder beginning to rumble over the trees along the back of our property. Normally, I'm someone who stays inside whenever thunder is rumbling - I've always had a fear of lightning. But tonight, the thunder beckoned me outside - outside, across our parking lot, down the long path that takes you to our Outdoor Chapel. 

This path changes seasonally, and it has been several weeks since I had wandered down to the Chapel. The wildflowers are wildly in bloom along the path, so I paused to take some pictures. All the while, the trees blew in the wind that was gaining strength. All the while, the thunder continued to rumble. And my anger built.

I got down the path to the Chapel. The benches are surrounded by trees and more wildflowers but they sit in a clearing, so I could easily see the storm clouds approaching. They didn't scare me. I sat for a few minutes, and then I took a few more pictures of wildflowers. The thunder beckoned me over to face the clouds once again, so face them I did, full on. I closed my eyes so the thunder and the wind rolled over me.

I began inwardly screaming at God: "SCREW YOU!" 

"SCREW YOU!"

"SCREW YOU!"

Over and over, my inward cries to God came forth - my lips unable to utter aloud the anger I was feeling about the loss of my friend, the loss of so many others I love. 

"SCREW YOU!*"

Eventually, the inward rage was stilled by my words of remorse, words that came only after I could get to and through the words of anger. I left the Chapel, and walked back to the church building, thinking as I crossed the open parking lot how easy it would be for God to zap me, then and there - if only I believed in a God that did that to people. (I don't.)

A few minutes later, I left for a bit to run an errand. The storm arrived while I was gone, and was fully raging by the time I came back. I found myself being pelted with baptismal waters from heaven, waters pelting me hard, whether I wanted them or not. Waters reminding me of new life - new life given to me, given to my friend, given to all those I have loved so deeply who have died "in the Lord." 

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* This is the PG version.